Monday, May 17, 2004

Freedom and happiness

"Doing what you like is freedom;Liking what you do is happiness"

I read this today and I thought to myself ,"how very true." My life for example, I always did what I was told to do, it did not matter if I liked it or not. I spent all of my teen years and most of my adulthood unhappy. At times I wished I was dead. I married, not for love but because it was "the right thing to do". I guess getting the crap beat out of you regularly was the "right" thing. I was supposed to be happy after all my daughter was with her father. After numberous times of getting hurt and other unspeakable things, after being told by the police that he had the right to do those things because we were married, called a liar by his mother (she said that I squeezed my own throat and hit myself so hard to cause bruices to get her son in trouble) even all that did not make me leave him. What did was when he beat me up and threw me on my daughter's bed while she was asleep. I looked at her face and thought that no child should ever see that. I left the next day when he left for work.

Throughout the years I did what I was told was the right thing. Went to school and got a degree in Respiratory. It was the right thing  to do. Pays good, good benefits. Sure but my tender heart could not take all the death. No that's not true, the death I could was the trying to save someone life who does not want me too but the family says do it. I dealt with people that had advanced lung diseases. When you look down and see this frail body and know that only 15 minutes before he had said goodbye I am going home and you have to preform CPR on him...... my heart and mind could not go on any longer. I was not doing what I like and I was not happy. A happy person does not take Valium just so they could go to work.

I am happy now. I am at home on a farm. I have my garden, my horses, my cats, my granddaughter, my hunny. I have been given the freedom to stay at home and enjoy those things. I have been given the love that gives me so much happiness. Sure we fight, we make up, at times I don't like him and he doesn't like me but we love each other. I have been given the freedom to do what I like and with that came happiness for the first time in years.


  1. You have been through some terrible times.  You deserve the happiness that you have found. I certainly understand the oppression of doing "what's expected".  It pleases me that everything ended up so well for you.

  2. When we make ourselves happy, things just seem to fall into place.  Kudos to you!! -Holly


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