Thursday, July 31, 2008

Happy today

I am not sure what has happened but this has been a pretty good week so far. maybe I am slowing winning. He has been coming home after work instead of going elsewhere. Today has been a smiling day. I just hope that it continues. I would much rather smile than cry.

This morning started bad. I heard a voice in my dreams then I realized that it was not in my dreams it was at the foot of my bed. Candy was calling my name. We needed to get Brook to the doctor. The day before she had been stung between the eyes by possibly a wasp. This morning when she got up the whole side of her face was swollen. One eye was closed. She took Benedryl but an hour and half later it was no better. By the time we got to doctor's office there was swelling on the other side of her face. He advised us to keep giving her the medicine and cold compresses and to stay upright. he also said that if not better in 24 hours to bring her back in. This is right after leaving doctor's office.  This was taken this evening. Poor baby. School starts tomorrow. I cannot make her go looking like that.
And right now it looks like we may be back in the doctor's office.
School. I talked to her teacher last night. They will not be carrying books. All they will have to carry is a trapper keeper.
 Ok. Time to vacuum again. Birds put feathers all over the living room everyday!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

not happy

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.
Corrie ten Boom
The girls rode today and  I am just not happy. It was a totally dissatisfying experience. Not 1 horse rode worth a crap today. Precious ran up to the hitching post and planted her feet like a stubborn mule. No budging her. Dancer would not mind the bit at all. And Crystal was so hyper that I swear somebody gave her something. Then to top it all off, N's mom and dad show up and he is so drunk he is stumbling around and then goes and gets another beer. In the 7 years I have owned my horse I have not allowed anyone to smoke around her. Next thing I know they are blowing smoke in her face. I stopped that but the other I felt powerless. I do not deal with drunks well. LOL I would never make it as a bar waitress anymore. can't smile at the drunks, all I want to do is smack them down.
Ok I am out of here. I do not have anything to say tonight. 

Life is going onward

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900), "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002

Life is going onward. It may belly up at some point but I guess everything does sooner or later.

Brook was here today finally. I sure have missed that child. This afternoon we got Precious out and she rode her. Precious is a bit of a stubborn horse but Brook stayed right with her and made her go. I predict many more afternoon rides! I need to set up a dry pen. Donna knows what I mean. I am worried about Precious. She eats too much. She has not actually foundered but she could anytime. Darn her. Easy keepers are nice but they suck too.

Open House at school is on Wednesday. I hope it is not raining that day. If it is raining I will not have the truck and we will be very late for it. I will check with the teacher and make sure about the bookbag thing. I find it unrealistic that they will not be allowed something! I hope Brook gets the teacher she wants. We will see.

Brook is back at it with her Tae Kwon Do. She missed quite a bit this month. It has cost her. the group is ahead of her in their studies with the bo staff. I need to refresh my memory on how to do it and help her. It is the same form that I learned last year. They are having a sword class next month but she decided she did not wish to take it. It is the first month of school. I think it would do her good to ease back some so she can get into the rythym of school.

That's it for now. It is midnight. I need to get my vacuuming done and the clothes finished. Take care all.

Friday, July 25, 2008

just talking

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

Slow day, accomplished nothing. Of course it is not over yet. The dryer just stopped so that is something.  I have about 5-6 more hours of being alone so I will get something done.

School starts next Friday here. Brook is all ready to go. I am a bit concerned though. They are not allowed to carry bookbags or backpacks. They will be switching classes and they do not have lockers. that means they will have top carry in their arms everything from class to class. I find that unreasonable. I believe I will just have to buy her a rather large pocketbook so she will have some way of carrying some of her things.

I have not seen much of Brook in the last 2 weeks. Johnny's family has been here from Texas and she has been staying up there. I feel like I have been shut out. They live half a mile away and I do not see them anymore. I spend every evening alone and in silence. Sometimes the only sound I hear is when someone signs  in or out on AIM.

 We are still in a drought here. It has been raining but the years of not enough rain has taken it toll. We are still in a Level 4 extreme drought in my part of Georgia. I am seeing some new growth on trees, something I have not seen in a few years. I noticed today that the local lake is rapidly going dry again .  I hate to say iit but  had hoped that the hurricane that hit Texas would have turned in the last bit and headed my way. It will take a tropical event to get some moisture back in our groundwater level.

Sorry friends, I am reading some but not commenting. Look at me as a lurker right now. I am laughing with you and crying with some.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
Alfred Korzybski (1879 - 1950)
    Life sure has its own way of thumping you in the head or kicking you in the ass, whichever way you look at it. The twists and turns are almost like riding a bucking horse. One second you think you will last to the bell and the next second you are flying thru the air. 
     Things seem to be on an even keel here right now. I am pulling myself by the bootstraps and trying to keep the faith. Tomorrow is our 15th anniversary. I don't expect any remembrance of it. Actually, I do expect it but I doubt that it will happen.
      I still have a cell phone. I just reactivated my old one. Nothing wrong with it and I can hear it ring, unlike my new one that broke. At least I can hear it when and if someone calls me.
      I am proud of myself. I have not had any dirty clothes for 2 weeks now. Every morning and night I put the dirty clothes in the washer. When it is full I start it.  I have also been keeping the sink cleared out. Amazing at what you do when you have no one to talk to.What it is is if I leave here, dead or alive, I have decided that no one will be able to say that the house is not clean. I have been working on getting it in order. I need order in my life right now.
    Precious is doing good.
    Brook is doing good.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008


What a miserable weekend. I tell you, I have the letter L in big red letters tattooed on my forehead!
 Friday things fell apart. For some reason everything I said or did was wrong. That night while burning garbage I fell off the steps and hit my head and bruised my shoulder and head. I think I may have been knocked out for a minute or 2 because the next thing I know is I hear Pat's truck pulling up. He helped me into the house. He said at first he thought I was just pulling something stupid but then saw the broken step.
Saturday started out peaceful enough. It did not take long for an uncomfortable silence to be followed by an uncomfortable roar. What an expensive day. $600 worth of cell phones destroyed. That night to bed with a truce called.
The next day started out fairly well with some remorse. Things were actually looking better, at least sounding better with no phones ringing. Looking out the window I see the horses in the field. Precious is laying down. I looked and felt funny about it in my stomach. I quickly pulled some clothes on and went outside and called the horses. All came except Precious. She was sitting up but making no effort to come to me. I walked out to her and knew(actually I already knew) that she was in trouble. I then knew I was in trouble. The heat index was 104 degrees with actual temperature at 98 degrees. I had just looked at the weather map to check for rain. Anyway, it was bad. She was drenched in sweat. It took a few minutes of urging but she did get up. She walked over and started to lay down again but I knew that she could not do that. I hearded her to the barn and over by the water trough. I then ran out and turned the water on. I ran back in and she was down again. She got up for me with no trouble out of her. I had teh halter o and a rope by then. I hosed her down in hopes that it was simple heat exhaustion. I then led her out of the pasture and up to the hitching post. I ran in the house hollaring at Pat that Precious was down. I needed to put different shoes on because sandels were no good for what I was about to do, walk and walk alot. pat got dressed to come out to help me but I knew he would not be a lot of help. The extreme heat was not good for his asthma. He left to go get help but something happened up there that was not good. After an hour of making Precious walk I finally got some help but not before stepping inbetween a fight. I wanted to knock them both in the head. brook walked with me and it was a good thing. The heat got to me and I went down. Heat exhaustion was getting me and Precious still had not passed gas or poop. Me going down got everybody's attention and I got help. We kept hosing Precious down and finally she took some water. She started passing some gas. 4 hours after the first walking started Precious was trying to eat and was swatting at flies. Crisis averted.
With all that walking and sweating you would think I would have lost weight. NOT. I am at 179 and holding.
Pat and I are working things out. No guareentee of everything working out that we stay together but I am hopeful. Never will it be said I did not give it my best shot. I am hoping he will do the same. I have to trust that he is. Trust is so hard to give once broken but I am trying.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Stressed Woman
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I have been feeling very blue lately. Life just has not been going the way I thought it would. At age 49 I thought that I would be settled and where I was going to be for the rest of my life. Now I am not sure. Funny how nothing turns out the way you expect. I am working on getting things worked out. I am where I want to be and who I want to be with... but is he? Someone said something to me about velvet chains. I looked up the lyrics to the song as it has been a long time since I have heard it. I know I have been so wrong in so many areas in my life. I know that , I pray that we stay together and finish growing old together.
Velvet Chains
Your velvet chains softly hold me

Keep me from strayin' to another one's arms
Locked in your love I will remain
I don't want to be free

From your velvet chains 
You keep the door wide open
You don't lock me in
I come and go
Your never ask mewhere I've been

 You know I'm faithful
Yes, I'm bound to be

Your lovin' arms

Put these velvet chains on me
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Most people hold onto the past, look forward to the future, and do not embrace the present. Only those who can appreciate what they have now live fully.
--Tsai Chih

I am trying to live now and look to the future. I want the future and I want peace in the present.

Monday, July 14, 2008


I will be taking a break from reading journals and writing in mine. I have some issues I must work through. They will either make or break me. Right now the breaking me is winning. I love you all. I will still be reading mail so if anybody wants to they can write.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

anger and other stuff

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
Joan Lunden, in Healthy Living Magazine
Learning to let go of my anger is hard.  Anger sucks. It makes me so sick. I am not talking about simple anger but a deep rage, the kind that can lead you to doing things and saying things that should never be said or done. Most times I rage when I am by myself then the tears come and I can bring myself under control. Last night was one of those times.

Brook is on her way to Panama City Florida. I know she is having a grand time.The people she is with spoil her and pet on her. LOL It has been years since I have been there. Someday I hope to go there again.

I was talking on the phone earlier today and the person I was talking asked me what that sound was they were hearing. I told her that it was my birds singing. She asked me if I found it annoying because they were so loud. My honest answer was never. Being hearing impaired you really learn to appreciate everything you do hear.
It is amazing to me to hear them at all. Actually there is only one I can hear and I cannot hear his whole song. I watch him sing and find such joy in hearing what I do. The day may come where I will not hear that so I treasure the days I have.

We are getting some much needed rain right now. The thunder is rolling and the lightening strikes are hitting
all around. The temps have dropped to a pleasant 72 down from the 93 it was an hour ago. I need to get off now. The lights dimmed. Out here in the country the power can go off at anytime.

Take care and I will be back

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
William James (1842 - 1910)

Today is blah. Been alone all day it seems. Brook is in Florida and I am here all alone. The rest of the week will be like this.

My Buddy thinks he is suppose to lay on the mouse pad in front of the computer when I am online. He is suppose to get all of my attention! LOL

The weekend went mostly good. Friday we rode the bike for a couple hours and headed out to fireworks. We did not stay and just went home. We got to see many firework displays from the house without the smoke.

Saturday evening things started falling apart. Sunday was for the birds. Monday was not much better. Today is better. I know there will be ups and downs. I am counting on more ups than downs.

 On a positive note I have lost down from 198 on June 1 to 185 today. I will take whatever small things that I can find in a day.

I have 8 baby chicks running around the yard right now. My little red hen is setting a nest now. I am not sure how many she has under her.

Ok I am out of here right now. I need to get busy. I have a goal to reach with my cleaning and I cannot do it sitting here. Love you all.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

mostly up

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)

Things are looking mostly up. I am keeping a happy attitude no matter what happens. I have to pick the right battles to do and right now I do not see any reason whatso ever to open my mouth and ruin the peace we are having right now. I know that I have a long way to go. I also know that if anything is to change I must first change things within myself. And don't give me that you don't need to change anything. Believe me, you do not live with me, I need to change some things. Heck if I don't like me how can anyone else?
 This has been a good week for the horses. Every evening they have been rode by Nickie and Brook. It has been great for the horses especially Precious. She is so fat. It takes her away from the field for 3 hours and gives her plenty of exercise. It is good for Brook too. She is riding with someone close to her age(14) and she is getting more adventurous about getting the horse to go faster without fear of falling off. She is even riding bareback! It is something to see her riding and racking the horse. LOL Yesterday she started slipping off but it turned out fine.  She reached up and grabbed Precious around the neck and Precious stopped like she hit a brick wall! Brook kept going over but her feet hit the ground from a stopped horse instead of one that was moving on.
Tomorrow is the 4th on Brook has a demo to do. She will be at the Freedom Festival here along with the rest of the kids, fireworks following at 9:30. Come and join us.