Monday, February 28, 2005

Yesterday

All day long yesterday I tried to not think about what day it was. 32 years ago my daddy died. My whole world came crashing around me on that day.

On Feb 26th, 1973 I woke up and felt sick. My Daddy had not left for work yet. I got up and went in the dining room where he was at and asked him to not goto work that day. I told him that something was wrong and I was afraid. He told me that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I hugged and kissed him goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw him alive. That evening, on his way home from work, he had a heart attack. He was taken to the hospital and 12 hours later he was gone. I remember waking up and I knew that he was gone and I would never see him again. I got up and went in the livingroom and was told to go back to bed. The phone rang then with the news.

I went to school that day and found out just how cruel and kind kids can be. This one girl asked me what was wrong because she saw me crying. When I told her she went over to a group of girls and said something to them. They looked over at me and laughed. One of them came up to me and said I was a liar because if it was true then I would not be at school. I was at school because school was always a comfort to me, but not that day. My best friend heard about my Daddy and she called her mama and before lunch her mama was there checking us out of school. I stayed with them until the day of the funeral. She stayed with me the whole time, never leaving my side. No one, except for her, ever saw me cry for my daddy again. I never allowed anyone to see my pain again.

After that for many years I closed myself off. I started on my way to destroying myself and nearly succeeded several times.

I miss my daddy. Today I cry tears that I was unable to for so many years. I remember things like sitting in his lap while he read the paper to me, helping him sort invoices and adding things for him on adding machine. I remember all of his hugs and kisses, the times he would be late for work to take me to school because I missed the bus. I remember looking in the atlas at the route that his ship took and hearing him tell of his adventures. I remember the sadness in his voice when he shows me where he was when the bombs were dropped. I miss you Daddy. Mama is with you now and someday I will join you, just not yet.

15 comments:

  1. Oh, I remember sitting on my daddy's lap while he read the funny-papers to me.

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  2. A truly touching and heart-rending entry Celeste. Your love for your Daddy is still so strong after all these years as mine is for my father.  He passed in 1986, sometimes it feels like yesterday.  Thank you for sharing this deeply personal remembrance.

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss of your father.  I know how hard it is, my dad died about 7 years ago, and I still can't get over it.  My step-mother is dying know, and I know she will be with him and that somehow makes it a little easier.  And like you said I know that I will be with him again.  I love you Daddy.
    (((hugs)))
    Leigh
    http://journals.aol.com/gizmosmom321/Aplaceformetotalk

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  4. Very beautiful entry. The great thing about these journals, you can pour your heart out, and you know you'll get tons of love back. rich

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  5. I am sorry for your sadness. Your entry was a lovely tribute to your Daddy. Kids can be so cruel, but we must go on and certainly writing helps.

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  6. Very beautiful entry.  I'm sorry for your loss.  My own daddy died in 2001.  He death was the most horrible thing I have ever seen.  I wish I had not been there to see it.  

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  7. Entries like this make me so sad. Sad for you because of your obviously deep felt loss...and sad for me because I don't have a relationship like this with my parents.

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  8. Aww I'm a mess after reading that.  Very beautifully written.  Your parents must have been wonderful and loving people to have had someone with such a beautiful heart as thier child.  

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  9. When I read entries like this...I always have to say "Thank you" becasue they are our inner most thougths and feelings and those are harder to share than other. So, "Thank you" for sharing the story of your fatehrs death with us. It was very touching.

    Cheryl

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  10. I was grown when my dad passed on, and it was hard on me. I can't imagine how hard that has to be on a child. My dad was a wonderful dad too. We are lucky to have had good parents. So many don't. I find comfort in the fact that my mom and dad are together again, and oh my in such a wonderful place. They have never been happier or in a better place. Hold on to that.

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  11. I never knew my father but my mothers death was enough...Sorry for your loss.

    NJLB

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  12. I am so so sorry that you are hurting. My daddy died in 1985 and I was so called"grown up"....but it tore my heart out and tot ell you the truth Celeste, I don't think I will ever get all my heart back.
    You hang in there girl and just know how special you are to Brook and how much you still have in your life. You WILL see your parents again, and they are with you always in your heart.
    love ya,
    Carlene

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  13. I enjoyed reading about you and your father.  That is amazing that you somehow knew something bad would happen that day.  I believe some people have that power of knowing; it is both a blessing and a curse.  I also know what you mean about not wanting/letting others see your pain.  Yet I know from your journal that you are a magnificent and strong person.  What a life you have led!

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  14. This entry had me in tears.  I miss my father too.  I don't think the pain ever stops.  I dulls a little, but not a whole lot.  A beautiful story.  Thank you for sharing it with us.  Pennie

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  15. It's hard enough saying goodbye to your parents when you and they are older. I can't imaging going through it as a child. {{{ hope tomorrows a better day hug}}}}
    Have you ever had other ESP feelings?
    Candace

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