Today is the last day of 2004. I am glad it is over. It has been another year in my life that I do not care to repeat. To be honest, I cannot think of a single year in my life that I would want to live over. People talk about if I could only go back and do that over again I would do it differently. I don't think they would. I think that they would do exactly the same thing again. I think the only thing we can do is change how we will choose to do things in the future.
I do not know what my future brings. I do feel that there will be changes in my life. Those changes will impact more people than just me. I have reached the point where if I do not make changes I won't survive. I do not like myself very much right now. I do not like how I feel I have no control over anything in my life. I am 45 years old and I have 1 personal friend. 1 person I can reach out to, or rather I could reach out to. She is no longer in my daily life since she moved out of town. I read about how people describe their husband as their friend, I can't really say that. I cannot talk to him about things I am feeling. Frankly I cannot talk to him about most things. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man. But more and more I wonder if I can stay here. I have my friends here on-line. I have my journal. Those 2 things have probally kept me from totally self destructing this past year.
So what is my New Year's resolution? I resolve to get a job. After that we will see what changes I will make with my life. Will it be enough? I don't know. I know that I need to have money of my own. Maybe it will alleviate some of the tension around here, maybe it will escalate it. I will see.
Friday, December 31, 2004
My New Year's resolution
at 11:01 AM