Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Why?

I was reading a journal of someone that I have come to know through her blog and she was talking about why she writes and it got me to thinking. I started this because of an online friend. She has a journal and sent me a link. I started reading hers and thought that this was neat so I started my own. I never had a diary when I was younger, never wrote in a journal. The only writing I  ever did was for assignments in school. I enjoyed writing but I never thought that I was good at it. Reading was my best subject. I would compare my writing to theirs and mine would come up short. I have always been my worst critic in everything I have ever done. I need to do this. I need to allow myself to express myself some how. Most days I do not have any conversation at all. There is only so much that you can say to a 6 year old. My hunny and I lately cannot have much of a conversation without it turning into a disagreement.  I need to share with someone. My family is.... well they are not here for me. One of my sisters lives 20 miles from me but we do not see each other. I  have no relationship with any of my family. I love them because they are my family. I do not know where any of them live. I have their phone numbers but I do not know what to say to them. My mama died and all ties broke. If I was to die tonight who would be at my funeral? Yes they would probally show up for that. Maybe. I only know of 5 people that would truly grieve for me. I'm wandering around in my head now, rambling and feeling sorry for myself. I guess I just needed a good cry.

6 comments:

  1. (((((( Celeste))))))....J- land is a great escape! It seems like everyone is in a bit of a down mood. : (   ...I hope tomorrow is better! : )

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  2. I too have been having my down mood. I wrote in my journal about a freind who is not really being a friend. I could not write too much becuase ........... she reads it and would know its her. But its not just that which has me in a down mood. I think maybe its that we are here in summer having have a hnd full of days only that are clouds and more clouds. speaking of funerals...... My so called friend is a funeral chaser. You know what I mean??????  she goes to funerals of people she hasnt seen. Last weekend I got dumped (been getting dumped to go out with her and hubby since Jan. must too this in two parts I m too long winded LOL

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  3. Bless your heart, You are soo hard on yourself. I guess we all are. I have written once but I lost it, don't know where it went. I am a lonely person too. My husband is not a real talker. I have to pull things out of him. I don't have any close friends either. I used to but I have felt let down by them, so I don't know if it is worth the effort. I just have not made the effort lately. I am very sad about the things that are going on in my family. I have 2 sisters, We managed to stay close after both parents died. We all lived in different states. Now my 2 sisters live close to each other. they got along at first, then started having problems. I stayed out of it. I made an effort to see both of them, just at seperate times. This did make it hard on me. ( but it was worth it) Now they have had a big blow up. I stayed out of it too. Now one of the sisters is mad with me too. ( I guess) all of a sudden she just cut me off. I would call her and she won't come to the phone. I would IM her and she would get off line. I think I know why she is mad, but not real sure. My other sister got married, and I didn't tell the other one about it. It was when my sister told a girl that was friends with both of them, that I got cut off. So I guess she told my sister and my sister got mad at me cause I didn't tell her. I don't think it was my place to tell her. It breaks my heart, there is only the 3 of us and it is soo sad that things are like this. We could die at any time, and then what. It will be too late. I have tried time and time again, but she won't even talk to me or tell me really what is the reason. I don't know what to do. Here I started this to make you feel better and I have poured out my heart. Thanks for being here. Don't be soo hard on yourself. I just try to stay up beat, I get depressed fast. I just try to keep my head up and go on. bye for now.

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  4. I'm sorry you're feeling sad and alone.  I think one of the great things about the journals is that it makes you feel less alone somehow, even if it's not so.  I share some of the same isolation issues as you do and for me, the interaction I find in the journal world helps ease that a little.  I stopped comparing myself to others long ago because, like the saying goes, "there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself."   That being said, I've just tried to find out what makes me feel complete and follow that.  Keep writing!

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  5. hestiahomeschoolJune 17, 2004 at 5:20 AM

    You are much, much too hard on yourself.  I have only been reading you for a short time but it is obvious that you are sensitive, bright, aa gifted writer, and a good photographer.  You only need one or two good friends in life...hang in there. I would grieve for you.
    love, Kas

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  6. I am there for you ! Ive found a wonderful friend in you ! And we arent that far away from each other. I know how you feel, really, Im having a sort of a pity party today too..... (its my birthday and while I say I dont care and I hate birthdays ~ I always feel a bit left out.....lol) It will be better tomorrow, cause it will be over!)

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