Monday, March 20, 2006


Another entry inspired entry.
As I was growing up I lived in a house in a neighborhood where everyone else had lived for years (including my parents) I did not make many friends because there were not many my age there. The few friends I made growing up, I can count on 1 hand. Then my father died and high school started. Life changed.
I never did fit in. I was the smart girl. I wore glasses and had a hearing aid. I did not dress the way others did. I did not own a pair of blue jeans. I had long hair when short hair was popular. I was not a freak(people in their 40's understand that one), I was not a prep or a jock, I was a nothing. Eventually I feel into a crowd of other nothings and discovered drugs and drink. Life changed again. I could go on and on about the different things that I did and had done to me but I won't. There is a lot of painful memories about that period of time and I am not ready to let it all hang out.
To rescue me from my evil ways and evil friends my mama moved me to the other side of the country. Talk about going from the frying pan into the fire. I still did not make friends. How could I make friends when I did not even like myself? Sure I met people, some of them I should have stayed with(sorry Jeff) and others I should have stayed away from. Maybe I had a death wish, I don't know, I do know that I should have not been where I was but there I was.
I will not tell you everything about those times and the times following those times. They were dark years in my life. I tried telling people about them before and suddenly, my friends would no longer be around. It became and is still a big part of my life... what you don't know, won't hurt me.I can't allow myself to feel all that again. Many people when they meet me think I am standoffish, maybe I am. Partly it is because I usually do not hear what they are saying or I mishear what they are saying. Another reason is I get hurt easily, I love easily therefore I get hurt easily. I have acquaintances, people I speak to and wave at, no one I can call and say let's have lunch I need to talk.

Today I still can count my physical friends on one hand. Actually I can count them on 2 fingers. I have one friend that I have known for 25 years. She knows many ofmy secrets but not all. She is the one special person I have in my life. I don't get to see her often enough since we live so far apart.

Where was I going with this? I read a lot of journals, not all of which I comment on on a regular basis. Several of the journals I read I regularly communicate with outside of the journal format. I belong to a private group with the only chat room that I go to. Mostly I go there to listen to other people talk. I have meet a few people in Pogo that I play games with, several of which I have become friends with. I am not lonely anymore even though I am alone most of the time.
Where was I going again? Still not sure. I know I had something in mind when I started but this is where I ended up. I think I will stop this entry  and get on with whatever I was doing before I started it. If I can only remember what that was......


  1. I've never had many friends either.  I seem to have been born a loner.  Thank God for the Internet, where I have met many people who have become genuine friends.

  2. I value all my friendships!

    It sounds like you have really come a long way in your life, and have found your happy spot :)


  3. I am fortunate to have three very close friends, one from high school, one I met while working & attending college and one I met through my children.  I am close to each, but in very different ways.  As many acquaintences as I have, I am happy to keep them at arms length.  I love my peace, quiet, solitude.  And of course, the friends I have on-line both here in AOL and other places.  

  4. I Am a child of the 70's read my journal entry I DID NOT fit in either but like say you have to be in your forites to under stand did not make you a freak you just did not fit. I kind of feel like rudolf a misfit in the land of misfits!!!!!!! very often I do. So funny I also did an entry on my lifegrowing up and turned my journal into a disco get away (you ll laugh I know you will) but anyway........ I understand you I grew up differnt and never really though of us as being a dysfunctional family but now I guess people would say that about us. GIRL Share the part you think you cant becuase I can guarantee you it wont bother me at all!!!!!!!!

  5. Hi Celeste!

    I was extremely shy all my life, and people thought I was stuck up.  I wan't stuck up I was scared!  I will still hole up and stay by myself if I'm not made to go out.  Like today, I had big plans for today.  Nope, didn't even leave the house.  And you know's NICE.

    It doesn't matter what your secrets have lots of J-Land freinds.  Everybody has secrets.  They are ours, that's why they are called SECRETS. It's no body elses business.  I have one friend since I was 18 years old, and we have kept each other out of the psychiatrists office.  But I don't even tell her everything.

    Big Hugs .....Friend!


  6. You could call me for lunch anytime. One thing about me is I am an "all weather" type of friend. I don't judge people on their past or their present...I serioulsy doubt there is anything you could tell me that would make me think badly of you.

    I'm sorry you had a rough time in school...especially high can be so rough. It's hard enough to go thru all the things your body is doing let alone trying to fit in.

    I am glad you survived and are here to tell us about it.  

  7. A therapist once asked me if I had a lot of friends (20 years ago). I said......sure I do. She said, no you don't. You just think you do. She said, if a person at the end of their life manages to have one real true friend, they are very lucky indeed. Now, that I'm 61, I understand what she meant. True friends are so hard to find. I have one true friend and I wouldn't trade her for 100 acquaintances. : )


  8. You and I are so much alike I shutter.  I too moved and everything you said ditto.  I have a really good friend how I met in Texas and we are still friends today.  We only see each other every year or other year.  I do hope you know that I think of you as a friend and if ever you need an ear.  I truely am here.  I have been so hurtng so not always up to date on everyones journal.  I can not count the times you pop into my mind.  I often wonder do I pop into anyones mind.  At anyrate where I am going with this....if it were not for the wonderful people I have met through my journal.  I would not have anyone to communicate with other than my mother and daughter.  Hugs to you and smile cause you are something in my books.  TerryAnn.

  9. I wasn't a freak or a jock. My protective mother picked out my clothes and dressed me like a prep, but I didn't fit in there either.  When I finally did make friends, I cherished them. I have two real friends outside of my marriage, and I wouldn't trade the world for either.

  10. I was very shy and bashfull (Painfully bashful) when I was a child.  I grew out of it to a certain extent, and I did have three best friends all through school who made it easier for me, but we were definitely not preppy, cool, popular or jocks.  We were the smart, quiet, shy, bookworms!  I can sympathise with you.  It's terrible, but the emotional pain we have when we're kids just stays with us forever, doesn't it?

  11. I have a very good friend who I hardly see but talk to a lot.  No matter how much time elapses between our chats, we get right back in the groove.  I have known her for 18 years!  And I like to believe I have friends, here.  I may not be able to hang out with them, but I would if I could!  Jae

  12. I can understand some of what you are saying.  I lost Daddy as a Freshman in high school.  Luckily I did have a few friends.  But I too went way far out in drinking and carousing over the next 8 years.  I don't tend to make palsy-walsy hang out friends either these days.  But I find as I get older I am developing a yen to do that.  I think in large part in my younger years I had a very hard time trusting women and their motives.  Now, in part from church and my friends here on the web, I am being to see women more as sisters.  -  Barbara

  13. Interesting tangent.

  14. I never feel like I fit in either. I dont have any close women friends at all.  Sad I guess but j-land is my outlet. If we hang out with people it is hubby's friends. I would say i'm stand offish too. I dont know why maybe shyness or not feeling that I'm as good as they are ?  I stick to family In-laws and the not so offten occasions I get to see my sisters.


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