Another entry inspired entry. http://journals.aol.com/mlraminiak/ComingtotermswithMiddleAge/entries/742
As I was growing up I lived in a house in a neighborhood where everyone else had lived for years (including my parents) I did not make many friends because there were not many my age there. The few friends I made growing up, I can count on 1 hand. Then my father died and high school started. Life changed.
I never did fit in. I was the smart girl. I wore glasses and had a hearing aid. I did not dress the way others did. I did not own a pair of blue jeans. I had long hair when short hair was popular. I was not a freak(people in their 40's understand that one), I was not a prep or a jock, I was a nothing. Eventually I feel into a crowd of other nothings and discovered drugs and drink. Life changed again. I could go on and on about the different things that I did and had done to me but I won't. There is a lot of painful memories about that period of time and I am not ready to let it all hang out.
To rescue me from my evil ways and evil friends my mama moved me to the other side of the country. Talk about going from the frying pan into the fire. I still did not make friends. How could I make friends when I did not even like myself? Sure I met people, some of them I should have stayed with(sorry Jeff) and others I should have stayed away from. Maybe I had a death wish, I don't know, I do know that I should have not been where I was but there I was.
I will not tell you everything about those times and the times following those times. They were dark years in my life. I tried telling people about them before and suddenly, my friends would no longer be around. It became and is still a big part of my life... what you don't know, won't hurt me.I can't allow myself to feel all that again. Many people when they meet me think I am standoffish, maybe I am. Partly it is because I usually do not hear what they are saying or I mishear what they are saying. Another reason is I get hurt easily, I love easily therefore I get hurt easily. I have acquaintances, people I speak to and wave at, no one I can call and say let's have lunch I need to talk.
Today I still can count my physical friends on one hand. Actually I can count them on 2 fingers. I have one friend that I have known for 25 years. She knows many ofmy secrets but not all. She is the one special person I have in my life. I don't get to see her often enough since we live so far apart.
Where was I going with this? I read a lot of journals, not all of which I comment on on a regular basis. Several of the journals I read I regularly communicate with outside of the journal format. I belong to a private group with the only chat room that I go to. Mostly I go there to listen to other people talk. I have meet a few people in Pogo that I play games with, several of which I have become friends with. I am not lonely anymore even though I am alone most of the time.
Where was I going again? Still not sure. I know I had something in mind when I started but this is where I ended up. I think I will stop this entry and get on with whatever I was doing before I started it. If I can only remember what that was......