Friday, January 20, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
Neighbors and fences
So yesterday I had a visit from a Sheriff deputy. Fun. Seems my horse was out again. He said they have received numerous calls and visits to us because of it. What BS. He flat out lied. I called him out on the lie. We have received 1 visit because of horse. He said they were called because horse was in road. Really? Looked like she was in the yard to me. So he left and we got a visit from animal control and he gave us a ticket for animal at large, which he did not see because horse was in yard. Could not figure out why she was getting out so I did a little fence walking. I will post a picture later on as I did not have my camera with me. Apparently my neighbor decided to cut some brush and trees and use a bulldozer to push it through our fence unto our property effectively taking our fence out in 2 places. I was going to just pay the fine, the horse was out. I have since changed my mind. I will go to court with pictures showing that it was vandalism that resulted in horse being out. The neighbor that did the damage is most likely the one that called the sheriff and filed a false report of animal in road. This is also the SAME neighbor that shot and killed 5 week old puppies that went on his property and shot the mother in the head(which she survived).
Karma needs to hurry up and take care of him. The devil watches his own I guess.
Karma needs to hurry up and take care of him. The devil watches his own I guess.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Second Day of New Year(where did the first one go??)
Today is the second day of the year 2017 in the month of January. Interesting fact: January is named after the Latin word for door not Janus. So January is in fact the door to the new year. Works for me. January is the door to 2017.
I did not make any resolutions for this year. Why make something that is sure to be broken? Lose weight, go to gym, be nice, make amends, clean house, eat healthy, quit smoking, quit drinking, go to church, donate stuff, donate time, save money, etc. Resolutions won't do these things for you. Just because the first of the year rolled around and you decided now is the time to do all those things does not mean it will happen.
Today, my husband is cancer free. This last year has taught me that nothing in life is going to magically be fixed because I resolved it so. It was a hard battle and it is not over. It is a war, a continuous war until the day it is over. There will be more battles, more doctors, more drugs, more surgeries until it is over, the day he decides not to fight anymore.
I have realized that I have to start taking better care of myself because my husband is cancer free today and I have a great-grandson coming this year. I have things I enjoy doing: being with my family, my animals, riding my motorcycle, being with my friends, playing pool with my teammates, working. Was this a resolution? No. It was a realization.
I think I will now settle back and have myself another cup of hot tea.
I did not make any resolutions for this year. Why make something that is sure to be broken? Lose weight, go to gym, be nice, make amends, clean house, eat healthy, quit smoking, quit drinking, go to church, donate stuff, donate time, save money, etc. Resolutions won't do these things for you. Just because the first of the year rolled around and you decided now is the time to do all those things does not mean it will happen.
Today, my husband is cancer free. This last year has taught me that nothing in life is going to magically be fixed because I resolved it so. It was a hard battle and it is not over. It is a war, a continuous war until the day it is over. There will be more battles, more doctors, more drugs, more surgeries until it is over, the day he decides not to fight anymore.
I have realized that I have to start taking better care of myself because my husband is cancer free today and I have a great-grandson coming this year. I have things I enjoy doing: being with my family, my animals, riding my motorcycle, being with my friends, playing pool with my teammates, working. Was this a resolution? No. It was a realization.
I think I will now settle back and have myself another cup of hot tea.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Curve balls hurt
I honestly do not know how much more I can take.. Life keeps throwing curve balls at me and they keep hitting me. My husband still has cancer of the bladder. Doctor did a biopsy last week on what she said appeared to be cancer spots again. My beautiful granddaughter that is carrying my great grandson is being tested for heart problems. Now my daughter just called and her pap smear shows cervical cancer cells. I am afraid to go to the doctor for myself...
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Motherhood prepares you for many things, One of those things is that cry in the middle of the night, I wet the bed. So up I get to take care of that problem. I hear him saying "I can take care of it." I, of course, ignore that. The very first part of the vows I took said "in sickness and health", I think sickness covers this. Turning the lights I hear the cry I was NOT expecting,"the catheter came out".
Pat has an indwelling catheter held in place with stitches not a balloon like a normal one is. I feel the panic start inside me. I know I have to remain calm. With normal catheters there is really no problem to replace them. You get a cath tray out with sterile gloves and proceed to insert a new one into the stoma (hole cut in his suprapubic area into the bladder). It needs to done pretty quickly as they can close up sometimes as soon as in 10 minutes! I knew that his would not be put back in in less than that time as his has to be sewn in. The closest hospital is 25 minutes away and not in plan. Only way to use it is in life and death situation, this emergency does not cover that. The hospital we have to go to is 45 minutes from home.
I get dressed and then help him get dressed and off we go. He is taken back to a room at once, paperwork to be done later. The hospital was fast and efficient. Of course they did not tell me anything I did not already know, that it would be morning before anything really could be done. I settled in for what I knew would be a long and sleepless night. Pat was given his pain meds so I knew he would sleep somewhat. Hard to really sleep when you have to use a urinal every 15-30 minutes. His bladder holds at best 50 cc's due to damage from the cancer.
Good news is, they did not have to cut a new stoma! Next comes an agonizing few days for him as his body recovers from the trauma of having his catheter yanked out and a new one put in.
Pat has an indwelling catheter held in place with stitches not a balloon like a normal one is. I feel the panic start inside me. I know I have to remain calm. With normal catheters there is really no problem to replace them. You get a cath tray out with sterile gloves and proceed to insert a new one into the stoma (hole cut in his suprapubic area into the bladder). It needs to done pretty quickly as they can close up sometimes as soon as in 10 minutes! I knew that his would not be put back in in less than that time as his has to be sewn in. The closest hospital is 25 minutes away and not in plan. Only way to use it is in life and death situation, this emergency does not cover that. The hospital we have to go to is 45 minutes from home.
I get dressed and then help him get dressed and off we go. He is taken back to a room at once, paperwork to be done later. The hospital was fast and efficient. Of course they did not tell me anything I did not already know, that it would be morning before anything really could be done. I settled in for what I knew would be a long and sleepless night. Pat was given his pain meds so I knew he would sleep somewhat. Hard to really sleep when you have to use a urinal every 15-30 minutes. His bladder holds at best 50 cc's due to damage from the cancer.
Good news is, they did not have to cut a new stoma! Next comes an agonizing few days for him as his body recovers from the trauma of having his catheter yanked out and a new one put in.
Monday, September 26, 2016
leftovers
Yesterday I looked at my leftover pork loin roast and could not decide what to do. Inspired! I sliced it up, layered an 8"x8" dish with the sliced pieces then poured apple cider over it. Not enough to cover all of it, maybe a cup. I then halved gold potatoes( I do not buy white potatoes anymore. I find the gold potatoes have a far better taste than white or red potatoes) and placed them on top to one side of the dish. Next I put frozen kitchen cut flat green beans on the other side. Covered with foil and stuck it in oven for 90 minutes at 325°F. Tender, good, I will make it again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
New day 1
September 13. 2016 is when time starts over again. We got the biopsy results today from the cystoscopy. It was positive for low grade non evasive bladder cancer. It was completely removed and treated.
I was so hoping that it would not be. It would have been nice to at least go once without a negative report.
November is CT scan and another cystoscopy and kidney stent change.
I was so hoping that it would not be. It would have been nice to at least go once without a negative report.
November is CT scan and another cystoscopy and kidney stent change.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy (say "sis-TAW-skuh-pee") is a test that allows your doctor to look at the inside of your bladder and urethra. It's done using a thin, lighted tube called a cystoscope .
Normally this is a procedure that is done in the office surgical suite. Pat had one done Tuesday at the hospital under general anesthesia. Due to the tiny size of the inside of his bladder the doctor did not feel that he could tolerate it. He also has a very low of tolerance for pain now.
A biopsy was taken. Now the waiting game.
Normally this is a procedure that is done in the office surgical suite. Pat had one done Tuesday at the hospital under general anesthesia. Due to the tiny size of the inside of his bladder the doctor did not feel that he could tolerate it. He also has a very low of tolerance for pain now.
A biopsy was taken. Now the waiting game.
No Peek Chicken
No Peek Chicken
1 box Uncle Ben’s Long Grain Wild Rice (original recipe)
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of celery soup
1 can water
(You can add another can of water for moister rice.)
Chicken breasts or tenders
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of celery soup
1 can water
(You can add another can of water for moister rice.)
Chicken breasts or tenders
How to make it :
In a greased 9 x 13 pan, mix the box of rice, cans of celery and mushroom soup and
one can of water. I always add the extra can of water because I like moist rice.
Arrange the raw chicken on top of the rice mixture….
Cover and seal with foil……
Bake at 350 degrees for 2 1/2 hours and “Don’t Peek!”
Your house will smell amazing!
one can of water. I always add the extra can of water because I like moist rice.
Arrange the raw chicken on top of the rice mixture….
Cover and seal with foil……
Bake at 350 degrees for 2 1/2 hours and “Don’t Peek!”
Your house will smell amazing!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
But he is cancer free
My husband Pat is in remission! I honestly did not expect it. I hoped it would happen and it did. Stage 4 aggressive muscle invasive bladder cancer.
The last day of chemo and radiation ended with a bang- 18 days stay in the hospital, much of which he does not remember.
He was admitted for colitis during the time while trying to get that under control it was noted that he was in so much pain with bladder spasms. Swelling occurred, then urination stopped. A foley was attempted but that was a complete failure. An indwelling suparpubic catheter was inserted. Kidney stents were changed out in another surgery 2 days later.
He lives when uncontrolled pain, hyperspasmic bladder, a tube in his bladder that goes through his pubic wall, lymphedema in his leg up to his hip, but he is cancer free. He questions why. He is angry.
I am so angry. I want my husband. I am scared. I am watching him waste away. Was the cure worth this? I don't see the fight to live in him anymore. The pain is becoming too much. The pain of seeing this is too much. I want to run away.
But, he is cancer free, was it worth the price?
The last day of chemo and radiation ended with a bang- 18 days stay in the hospital, much of which he does not remember.
He was admitted for colitis during the time while trying to get that under control it was noted that he was in so much pain with bladder spasms. Swelling occurred, then urination stopped. A foley was attempted but that was a complete failure. An indwelling suparpubic catheter was inserted. Kidney stents were changed out in another surgery 2 days later.
He lives when uncontrolled pain, hyperspasmic bladder, a tube in his bladder that goes through his pubic wall, lymphedema in his leg up to his hip, but he is cancer free. He questions why. He is angry.
I am so angry. I want my husband. I am scared. I am watching him waste away. Was the cure worth this? I don't see the fight to live in him anymore. The pain is becoming too much. The pain of seeing this is too much. I want to run away.
But, he is cancer free, was it worth the price?
Monday, February 29, 2016
Dare we hope?
Today's visit with the doctor was a good visit. We are starting Cycle 4 of the chemo and he brought up the word cure. He actually said that with the addition of radiation we are looking at a possible cure instead of just containing the cancer.
A couple of weeks ago we saw a radiation specialist. He said we are going for a cure. Pat cried, I cried.
Things were finally hopeful. Of course it is still one day at a time. THat is curing this cancer. What about recurrence? Typically the type of cancer he has recurs within 2 years in spite of all treatment unless bladder is removed.
I have to make sure that Pat feels hope. He has to fight or it is all for nothing. Funny thing is, I am the one that always spreads hope and he is the one that always sees the dark side. I see the dark side and have to project I am seeing the bright side.
Last week Pat's blood work showed he had a dangerously low platelet count. His white count was low and his blood level was right about needing a transfusion. His levels are better this week but still low. Chemo goes on tomorrow as planned unless there is a dramatic drop tomorrow.
I think I need a vacation.
A couple of weeks ago we saw a radiation specialist. He said we are going for a cure. Pat cried, I cried.
Things were finally hopeful. Of course it is still one day at a time. THat is curing this cancer. What about recurrence? Typically the type of cancer he has recurs within 2 years in spite of all treatment unless bladder is removed.
I have to make sure that Pat feels hope. He has to fight or it is all for nothing. Funny thing is, I am the one that always spreads hope and he is the one that always sees the dark side. I see the dark side and have to project I am seeing the bright side.
Last week Pat's blood work showed he had a dangerously low platelet count. His white count was low and his blood level was right about needing a transfusion. His levels are better this week but still low. Chemo goes on tomorrow as planned unless there is a dramatic drop tomorrow.
I think I need a vacation.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Palliative care
What Is Palliative Care?
Palliative care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses. It focuses on providing patients with relief from the symptoms and stress of a serious illness. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family. (https://getpalliativecare.org/whatis/)
That is what they are calling his chemo now. The cancer has spread into his lymph nodes. No surgery is what they are saying. No cure, surgery can kill him. Just die.
So I am looking at quality of life. What can I do to make it better for him, for the time he has left. How long will it be? I don't know. I just do not know anything anymore. I am at a loss at what to do. I want him to live. I need him to live. Am I just wanting to make his life better for him or me? I don't know.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Quality of life
Oxygen is something everyone needs, we cannot live without it. We breath it in and exhale carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide level and oxygen level in your blood tells your brain to breath in and exhale. Someone that has COPD has a higher level of carbon dioxide in their blood and they breath faster than normal. They also have decreased lung surface area where gas exchange takes place-oxygen for carbon dioxide. Now if their oxygen level is high they do not breath as fast, if they do not breath as fast they get an even higher level of carbon dioxide. It can be a vicious cycle and the pros and cons of giving a COPD patient oxygen is weighed heavy.
Pat has been on oxygen at night while asleep for a long time. Yesterday we went and they checked his oxygen and decided it would benefit him more to have oxygen when he is doing activities as well as when asleep.
Quality of life is important. I need to make every bit count for him.
Pat has been on oxygen at night while asleep for a long time. Yesterday we went and they checked his oxygen and decided it would benefit him more to have oxygen when he is doing activities as well as when asleep.
Quality of life is important. I need to make every bit count for him.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
reflections
Yesterday was Pat's 67th birthday. Our granddaughter Brook drove us to IHOP for his birthday breakfast. He wanted pancakes so off we went. Brook ,of course, had chocolate chip pancakes. Pat went through over half a stack of 5 pancakes smothered in syrup, 2 eggs and sausage links. Our friend Christine joined us to help celebrate his day. He enjoyed himself and ate fairly good.
I know I am repeating myself about how he ate. Thing is, he has lost weight. That worries me. He cannot continue losing weight like he is and fight the cancer.
I never thought I would see the day when I would watch him start to shrivel up and become a frail man. He has always been my rock and now I must be his. I am not a rock. I really don't have a clue of how to be one. It was not supposed to be this way.
Ok. The alarm has gone off. Time to get up and get ready for his doctor's appointment. Well I guess part of it I have done already. Time to put on my face for my world to see.
This is chemo rest week. Only thing he is having done is lab work.
I know I am repeating myself about how he ate. Thing is, he has lost weight. That worries me. He cannot continue losing weight like he is and fight the cancer.
I never thought I would see the day when I would watch him start to shrivel up and become a frail man. He has always been my rock and now I must be his. I am not a rock. I really don't have a clue of how to be one. It was not supposed to be this way.
Ok. The alarm has gone off. Time to get up and get ready for his doctor's appointment. Well I guess part of it I have done already. Time to put on my face for my world to see.
This is chemo rest week. Only thing he is having done is lab work.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
poopy poop
*WARNING-deals with body functions*
Pat has been dealing with issues with pain. He has always been a strong man, never one to admit when he was hurting. The lymph nodes in his groin and abdomen area are pressing on his veins constricting proper flow. He has PERIPHERAL LYMPHEDEMA caused by bladder cancer that has metastasized to his lymph nodes. The doctors are not grading it until his cancer has been taken care of.
It hurts. Nerves run along side the veins and arteries. It hurts him. In response he is taking pain medicine. This is causing other issues. He has never been a big drinker of liquids. This is causing issues. I think he has finally realized the importance of water!
After a couple days of extra water, grape juice, oatmeal with baby food prunes, he has had movement!
People if you ever have blood in your urine please PLEASE get it checked out. Bladder cancer in early stages is easily CURABLE.
GoFundMe to help with unexpected expenses
Pat has been dealing with issues with pain. He has always been a strong man, never one to admit when he was hurting. The lymph nodes in his groin and abdomen area are pressing on his veins constricting proper flow. He has PERIPHERAL LYMPHEDEMA caused by bladder cancer that has metastasized to his lymph nodes. The doctors are not grading it until his cancer has been taken care of.
It hurts. Nerves run along side the veins and arteries. It hurts him. In response he is taking pain medicine. This is causing other issues. He has never been a big drinker of liquids. This is causing issues. I think he has finally realized the importance of water!
After a couple days of extra water, grape juice, oatmeal with baby food prunes, he has had movement!
People if you ever have blood in your urine please PLEASE get it checked out. Bladder cancer in early stages is easily CURABLE.
GoFundMe to help with unexpected expenses
Thursday, December 31, 2015
not good way to start
Not a good way to start the new year. The last thing he said to me before falling asleep is " I think he lied. I don't think I even have 2 months". THat tore my heart out. How can he give up on us like that?
Just when I thought it was smooth sailing
Pat had his first chemo treatment Tuesday and everything was going so well. No nausea or loss of appetite, no hair loss, in general no side effects.
Today was a different story. Today, he woke up in pain and nauseous and worse of all a fever. Yep, fever. His temperature was 100.8°F. For most people no worries, for a patient on chemo it is a worry. We are to call office if it goes to 100.5°F. Within an hour his temperature was up to 102.4°F. The office called back and we headed in to the oncologist. They took blood and are doing cultures and urine tests. His temp had dropped to 99.8°F. The doctor called in a script that was $80 for 7 pills! OMG! VA was already closed so I had to pay. No way was I going to wait until Monday to get it filled!
Time will tell if chemo will be continued on Tuesday or not.
Normally I don't panic. I have got to get a grip on myself.
Thanks to the donors on GoFundMe I was able to pay for the prescriptions with no problems.
GoFundMe
Today was a different story. Today, he woke up in pain and nauseous and worse of all a fever. Yep, fever. His temperature was 100.8°F. For most people no worries, for a patient on chemo it is a worry. We are to call office if it goes to 100.5°F. Within an hour his temperature was up to 102.4°F. The office called back and we headed in to the oncologist. They took blood and are doing cultures and urine tests. His temp had dropped to 99.8°F. The doctor called in a script that was $80 for 7 pills! OMG! VA was already closed so I had to pay. No way was I going to wait until Monday to get it filled!
Time will tell if chemo will be continued on Tuesday or not.
Normally I don't panic. I have got to get a grip on myself.
Thanks to the donors on GoFundMe I was able to pay for the prescriptions with no problems.
GoFundMe
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
First time
Today was an early day for me. Went to bed at 12:30 , woke up at 4 AM. I hate when I do that. I laid there hoping to fall back asleep but sleep had left the building.
Go to the Doctor's office this morning for biopsy results and first chemo treatment. Talked to a nice man that was in for treatment of liver cancer. Him and his wife were encouraging.
Pat was called for lab work and then he was weighed in at 155.8 and BP was 130/80. Then back to the doctor's office. I knew when they doctor walked in. I knew before then. The results were not good. The cancer had spread into the lymph nodes. It is now in his blood stream. Who knows where or when it will settle into another spot.
Talk about pain, that was pain. It killed me to see the look on my husband face. To hear him say so it is over now. No. It is not over. It is not over. He is still alive, he can still fight this. Sure chances have just plummeted down to at best 15% to make it to 2 years.
First chemo treatment today. Gemzar/Carboplatin plus anti-nausea drugs via IV. He tolerated it well today. So far no nausea. Hair loss will happen. That is the least scary side effect. His immune system is now compromised . Red blood cell production will most likely go down. At one time or another he may have to receive blood. He is B- .
I am tired. I am going to lay down with him.
Go to the Doctor's office this morning for biopsy results and first chemo treatment. Talked to a nice man that was in for treatment of liver cancer. Him and his wife were encouraging.
Pat was called for lab work and then he was weighed in at 155.8 and BP was 130/80. Then back to the doctor's office. I knew when they doctor walked in. I knew before then. The results were not good. The cancer had spread into the lymph nodes. It is now in his blood stream. Who knows where or when it will settle into another spot.
Talk about pain, that was pain. It killed me to see the look on my husband face. To hear him say so it is over now. No. It is not over. It is not over. He is still alive, he can still fight this. Sure chances have just plummeted down to at best 15% to make it to 2 years.
First chemo treatment today. Gemzar/Carboplatin plus anti-nausea drugs via IV. He tolerated it well today. So far no nausea. Hair loss will happen. That is the least scary side effect. His immune system is now compromised . Red blood cell production will most likely go down. At one time or another he may have to receive blood. He is B- .
I am tired. I am going to lay down with him.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
364 days
364 days until next Christmas.
Funny, it never mattered to me how far away the next Christmas was until much closer to the day. This time it is different. This time I don't know if I will have a husband to celebrate it with.
I know I have to think positive. I do. I refuse to allow anything negative in front of Pat or in his hearing. There are times when I do not feel positive. I am a realist. I know if he does not have the surgery, he will die. I don't know when but it will happen.
Tuesday we find out what the results are. Please do not let it be cancer.
Funny, it never mattered to me how far away the next Christmas was until much closer to the day. This time it is different. This time I don't know if I will have a husband to celebrate it with.
I know I have to think positive. I do. I refuse to allow anything negative in front of Pat or in his hearing. There are times when I do not feel positive. I am a realist. I know if he does not have the surgery, he will die. I don't know when but it will happen.
Tuesday we find out what the results are. Please do not let it be cancer.
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