Sunday, August 28, 2016

But he is cancer free

My husband Pat is in remission! I honestly did not expect it. I hoped it would happen and it did. Stage 4 aggressive muscle invasive bladder cancer.

The last day of chemo and radiation ended with a bang- 18 days stay in the hospital, much of which he does not remember.
He was admitted for colitis during the time while trying to get that under control it was noted that he was in so much pain with bladder spasms. Swelling occurred, then urination stopped. A foley was attempted but that was a complete failure. An indwelling suparpubic catheter was inserted. Kidney stents were changed out in another surgery 2 days later.

He lives when uncontrolled pain, hyperspasmic bladder, a tube in his bladder that goes through his pubic wall, lymphedema in his leg up to his hip, but he is cancer free. He questions why. He is angry.

I am so angry. I want my husband. I am scared. I am watching him waste away. Was the cure worth this? I don't see the fight to live in him anymore. The pain is becoming too much. The pain of seeing this is too much. I want to run away.

But, he is cancer free, was it worth the price?


  1. He is the only one who can answer that question. I am so sorry. When you emailed he was cancer-free, that was the only part I hyper-focused on.

    He is there with you, & you love each other...that is all I thought about....because I can't, don't, know...but he is there with you & you love each other...

    1. He is here, that is what I focused on. I am scared I am not strong enough to endure.


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