Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I'm ok

First of all, I want to thank each and everyone of you for your comments to me, public and private. It really meant a lot to me. I was never taught how to express my emotions when I was younger. I learned to hide what I was feeling. I released my emotions when I was reading books.

I do not have a lot of childhood memories. My earliest memory is that of a woman crying and holding me. I recounted that memory to my mama one time and was told that the woman I described was my Grandmother that died when I was less than a year old. Another memory was one of me trying to reach for some pretty, sparkling lights and then falling. I remembered that after seeing a chandelier in my Aunt’s house. It turned out to have been the very same one that I saw when I was 1 year old. It was packed up that year and placed in storage not to be opened for a dozen years. My mama and aunt remembered me falling down a flight of stairs and knocking myself out, I remembered why I fell. My memories are sketchy. I often wonder why I have memories that I do. I look back trying to remember happy ones and find very few of them. I remember sitting in my daddy’s lap while he read the paper or watched the evening news. I remember getting up at night and getting in bed with my parents and my daddy carrying me back to bed. He would tuck me in and kiss my forehead. I remember proudly giving him my report card to sign. He had a beautiful signature. He wrote with a Parker fountain pen.

A lot of people have pictures to look at to spark a memory. My brother and sisters do, as does my niece and nephew do that moved in with us when I was young. The pictures were not there of me. I guess that is why I like to take pictures now. I took lots of my daughter when she was growing up but most were lost. Her father kept almost all of the ones when she was a baby and she took the others when she got older and lost them. She did not have a happy childhood and she will need those few pictures I have left of some of those few times to help spark memories. I take lots of pictures of Brook. There are a lot of pictures of her doing the same things but I do not care. Her past is now and these pictures represent that.

The past is past but it still weighs on me everyday of my life. The things that I experienced are always there, some of them too close and fresh in my memory. No, I was not abused as a child. My choices I made in my life are what haunts me. They are the ones that come back to me and mock me. Someday I may get up the courage to write about them. I look back at them and I think to myself that if I wrote a book about my life who would believe it? I am amazed myself. I am really amazed I am alive.

I am alive. I will not allow this to control my life anymore. I do have too much left to do and I cannot do it feeling like death. Today I am fighting to regain control in myself, to like myself again. I will succeed. I must because life is here and I need to live.

17 comments:

  1. I am glad to see you back.  I was concerned about you when I didn't see you post for awhile.  It's good to step back and get perspective.  You are in a downward spiral, but it will reverse direction at some point and you will renew.  I know what you're going through.  It's tough to get through the rocky times.  Your kindness was much appreciated by me when I started my journal.  Your comments meant a lot.  You are stronger than you know.

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  2. You said,  "I look back at them and I think to myself that if I wrote a book about my life who would believe it? I am amazed myself. I am really amazed I am alive."

    I had similar thoughts before I started my first book.  It was a great release to write it.  I hope someday you will write about these things that haunt you.  It really is the only way to find peace.  It's difficult to write about these things but ultimately satisfying.  I hid myself way for big blocks of time for more than six years, but I finally got the thing written.  

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  3. yeah you are alive and live life like you were dying as the song says. Enjoy this time. carpe diem. Sieze the day!!!!!!!!! Lori

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  4. You've whetted my appetite to know more.  It sounds to me like S.A.D is trying to pull you into its clutches.  You have to like yourself:  after all, what's not to like?  You are a child of God!

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  5. I have been missing you and wondered if you or someone was sick. I am soo glad that you are feeling better. I have gone thru. times like this too. It is sooo hard to dig out of it. I call it the blue funk. We have a lot to live for, sometimes this is hard to see. Glad that you are back and feeling whole again. Hugs, Denise

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  6. I am trying to think of something up and peppy to say.  Something to give you encouragement.  However, as I read your entry, it takes me to the edge of somewhere that I have been before.  Perhaps I am having trouble leaving my baggage at the door.  The easiest way for me to deal is to just ignore it, but I know that won't work.  The more I try to fake it and just move on, the louder the voice of the past seems to get.  
    I waited forever for him to die...since I was 5 years old...and now that he is gone I wish the memories and fears would go too.  Oh, but I knew better than that, didn't I?  
    The best I can do is to face today.  Embrace my children as the gifts that they are, and be thankful for the joys and love I have in my life.  I know that they say it is hard to live in the present if you haven't dealt with the past.  However, for myself, for now, for today, I chose to leave the past in the past and be thankful that I have today to live and love.  And thankful that your here too.
    ~JillMarie

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  7. Memories are very painful things.  It hurts to re-live the past. I have many unhappy memories as well but it does help to put them on paper believe me.  In a way it is a kind of release.  It will not erase the memories but it will help.  Glad to see you have kept your fighting spirit. God bless you xxxxx

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  8. I think you do a great job of expressing your feelings Celeste, I'm so sorry that you dont have many childhood memeories to reflect upon, i don't either really, i don't have hardly any pictures of my childhood either, when my mom and dad got divorced i guess my mom didnt think they were important enuff to take with her, and my dad could give a rat's patoot about pictures, so who knows where they ended up. I guess like you is why i always am so camera happy....i hope my kids will cherish these photos as much as i do! Hope you feel better. And how is Candy doing?

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  9. I do not remember alot about my childhood.I know school was hell and   my heart was broke when my father left us when I was 6 so maybe I do not need to remember.I am like you, I take lots of pictures and I also keep a diary about the things the kids are doing.
    I think that the devil will do anything to pull you down,you have to forgive yourself and let the past rest in peace.This is a big thorn in my side and I know it is not easy to do.But I do know that you deserve this gift to yourself!  

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  10. Celeste.....it might help you to write it all out. Ive made ALOT of mistakes and have ALOT of emotional baggage too. (much of it self inflicted) Ive tried to write about it but , like you , I wonder what others would thnk... ( I love ya and I think your wonderful) I do with Eric like you do with Brooke, but hey, thats our way of compensating and NOT turning them into what we FEEL we are. (Am I making any sense?) anyway - Im here for you ! Feel better, my friend!

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  11. WELL, THANK GOODNESS!!! I THOUGHT WERE GONNA HAVE TO PUT OUT THE SEARCH SQUAD FOR YA!!!  BEEN MISSING YA LOTS!

    COME BACK TO US, CELESTE, AND WE WILL LISTEN !!!   (IN  OUR OWN WAYS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AND BACK) I KNOW I HAVE ANYWAY...

    OH, SPEAKING OF PICTURES..I HAVE  ONLY ONE OF ME AND MY SIBBLINGS: TAKEN IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S FRONT YARD, WE LOOK LIKE LITTLE DIRTY RAG-A-MUFFINS.   I AM SITTING IN A CHILD'S ROCKING CHAIR,  HOLDING A LITTLE DOLL SOMEONE GAVE ME.   I WAS ABOUT TWO OR THREE YEARS OLD.....THE ONLY PHOTO I HAVE OF ME OR MY SIBBLINGS AS CHILDREN.... I TREASURE IT.

    MAY THE LORD BLESS AND KEEP YOU CLOSE.

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  12. {{{{{{CELESTE}}}}}}}}
    I GOT SO SAD WHEN I READ THIS ENTRY. I AM SAD RIGHT NOW (BIG TIME) FOR YOU. I KNOW SOME OF YOUR PAST, AND CAN TELL YOU FIRST HAND THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. NOTHING TO FEAR. FEAR IS ONLY A WORD. NOTHING CAN HURT YOU AND BESIDES SWEETIE, I FIGURE IT THIS WAY, SHOULDNT WE LIVE BY THAT OLD ADDAGE : THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE". I THINK ITS A GOOD WAY TO START TO MEND ANYWAYS. TELLING IT ALL, AND GETTING IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, ONCE AND FOR ALL. AND LIKE I TOLD YOU IN MY EMAIL.. THE FRIEND I ASKED ADVICE FROM ON THIS VERY SUBJECT, "SHOULD I TELL IT HERE IN MY JOURNAL,. OR SHOULD I KEEP IT TO MYSELF", ....DO YOU REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS? AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IF I WOULD WRITE IT , THE PEOPLE IN J-LAND LOVED ME AND WOULD BE THERE FOR ME? REMEMBER THAT? WELL, I THINK THEY , AND MYSELF INCLUDED, WOULD DEFINITELY SUPPORT YOU WRITING ABOUT YOUR PAST, AND ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE WANTING TO DIVULGE, OR TO GET OFF YOUR HEAVY HEART. WHATEVER YOU DECIDE, I AM WITH YOU. :)
    MAYBE A PRIVATE JOURNAL?
    JUST KNOW I CARE. AND I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME.
    KIM.

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  13. I think that regardless of the choices we make in life, we must always move forward.  No one is perfect.  Everyone has things in their lives that they wish were different.  Everyone has regrets--no matter what anyone tells you.  It's what you do AFTER you realize that maybe you might have made a mistake that counts.  Move forward and never look back in a way that paralyzes you.

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  14. I wish you well and I think if you do deciede to tell of your experiences here everyone will believe you. What ever you do just remember you are a good person and are loved in J-land. Paula

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  15. Forgiving ourselves and moving on is one of the hardest things to do.  Sometimes you have to reach a point that you ask God to take it and then move on.  I know that is easier said than done, we so want to hang onto stuff.  

    kathy

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  16. I've done a lot of things that I've had trouble forgiving myself for. What helps me is to picture myself as someone else. Would I forgive them?  Of course....so let it go...

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  17. From your journal I can tell you are are very thoughtful person..just by your treatment of the animals, it will always be in our nature to second guess everything that has happened in our life, but we are not our past...you have today and all those glorious tomorrows - so wrap your arms around your beautiful family and enjoy your life!...Sandi

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