I have been sitting here thinking about what am I going to write. Several times this morning I have started an entry and then deleted it. My mind has gone wandering off and I do not know where. I looked at the words I had writen and asked my self what is this? I then hit the red x. That does not happen so much when I type it in Works. You hit the x there and it asks you if you want to save the changes made to the document. I do not know where I am going with this. I am not sure where I am going with anything.
I was reading in a few journals this morning and in John's By The Way journal he has a weekend assignment to post what you would put in a time capsule for your great whatever child to open in 100 years. I started thinking, what can I put in there that would show my life. I did not like or love myself most of my life. Would I want that to be known to them? Should I sugarcoat everything and pretend that everything is okay and life was grand? I have a lot more thinking about that. I do not know what to do.
I was reading another journal that is private and in it the author was talking about how someone read the journal and threw it up in their face. It caused me to think. Do I not write about certain things because I am afraid that someone I know will read it? Or do I not write because I am afraid that others will read it and judge me? It is my day and my thoughts, why do I restain myself? Then I thought, I have always restrained myself. I hold myself back. I do not like pain and this is pain.
I am hitting save now and going outside. Maybe I will leave this in my journal, I do not know.