I have been sitting here thinking about what am I going to write. Several times this morning I have started an entry and then deleted it. My mind has gone wandering off and I do not know where. I looked at the words I had writen and asked my self what is this? I then hit the red x. That does not happen so much when I type it in Works. You hit the x there and it asks you if you want to save the changes made to the document. I do not know where I am going with this. I am not sure where I am going with anything.
I was reading in a few journals this morning and in John's By The Way journal he has a weekend assignment to post what you would put in a time capsule for your great whatever child to open in 100 years. I started thinking, what can I put in there that would show my life. I did not like or love myself most of my life. Would I want that to be known to them? Should I sugarcoat everything and pretend that everything is okay and life was grand? I have a lot more thinking about that. I do not know what to do.
I was reading another journal that is private and in it the author was talking about how someone read the journal and threw it up in their face. It caused me to think. Do I not write about certain things because I am afraid that someone I know will read it? Or do I not write because I am afraid that others will read it and judge me? It is my day and my thoughts, why do I restain myself? Then I thought, I have always restrained myself. I hold myself back. I do not like pain and this is pain.
I am hitting save now and going outside. Maybe I will leave this in my journal, I do not know.
Yes I admit myself I hold some things in and other times I even do it when I comment. It is a balancing act for sure.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with the balance between telling my truth and not wanting to post downers all the time, too. Who I am is who I present myself as in my journal AND a whole lot more. I don't lie, but I do edit. I am sorry about your pain, though. Blessings, Margo
ReplyDeleteCELESTE,,,,,I WILL TELL YOU WHAT ONE OF THE SWEETEST LADIES IN JLAND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS VERY SUBJECT JUST LAST WEEK. IN A LITTLE DIFFERENT WORDS SHE SAID, IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WRITING ABOUT YOURSELF,, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS ABOUT, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU . AND I WILL STAND BEHIND YOU, YOU KNOW THAT. :)
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE LOVED HERE IN JLAND AND SHOULDNT WORRY.
JUST KNOW WE CARE ABOUT YOU, THATS ALL.
KIM.
I think as women we try so hard to be like everyone else and also to be a likable person.I think we try so hard that we forget who we are sometimes.If you need to write it and if it helps then go for it.This is your journal and you can write what you need to.I enjoy this journal- you are on my alerts and will stay there.Life is not black and white - sometimes when I vent it really helps me to get it out- maybe you could have a private one for really private venting,I hope you have a much better weekend-
ReplyDeleteAnita
I actually have a private journal, and I think I've only made 4 entries in it. But when I just have to vent, especially about a family member, that's where I go.
ReplyDeleteOhh Celeste, you sound very depressed, i am very sorry your feelin sad! Anything I can do to help?
ReplyDeleteI can feel the pain, but, let it fly!! That's what J-Land is all about. The chances of coming face to face with any of us is pretty nil, and if you did, who'ld care>>The whole idea of this is to "Let It All Out". Just keep on keeping on, rich
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better - Sometimes just going outside can help. The beauty of the sky, trees, flowers, animals..... Its therapy! (I usually write whatever I am feeling - funny thing is - no one is visiting my journal lately ! Maybe it IS best to "candy coat"
ReplyDeleteFor me writing releases the pain. Trying to hold pain inside is like sitting on top of a volcano....eventually, it's gonna blow.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most truthful and beautiful entries I have yet seen. I'm so happy you didn't delete it. I'd like to leave you with a quote from Brenda Ueland who wrote the book, IF YOU WANT TO WRITE. She said of her own book:
ReplyDelete"As I write this I many times have had the chilling feeling come around my heart because of the thought: 'What if it may not be true? People will say I am crazy. Where is my logic?' But I don't let the cold feeling stay there because, just the same, I know what I say is true, because it is true to me and therefore I say it freely and you must have it."
Keep telling the truth as you see it, because that's what your readers need. Thank you for this entry.
CELESTE;
ReplyDeleteI can remember vividly the morning I woke up and looked in the bathroom mirrow and said to myself: " My God, I am "this" old and what the hell have I done with my life?" But, you know what Celeste..I read your journal and I see how you love that little girl of yours( and she is yours...you don't have to give birth to be a mama), and how you love your animals...and you can't get much better than that Celeste...if the world had more people like you , that actually CARED it would be a whole lot better place...so keep your chin up girl..and know that we are here with you....and that YOU are a very GOOD person, and that you have a lot of folks that care about you!!!
I have a lot of days like the one your describing too. Fresh air is always a good remedy!
ReplyDeletejust checking back in to let you know that I care about you...
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you. : ) I haven't felt much like writing lately either. Hope your doing ok!!! Lubs ya ~Ann
ReplyDeleteGlad you didn't delete your very truthful entry. -Krissy
ReplyDeletehttp://journals.aol.com/fisherkrisitna/SometimesIThink