JUst talking

Life has gone a little haywire here. Having serious back issues dammit.  For those that don't know, I broke my back in 4 places a few years back. This winter has been the worse time for it. I will have to suck it up and pretend next week that the pain is fine. Hubby will be having surgery next week and I will be doing his chores of feeding the animals for the next couple of months. Sigh.... I am already tired.

I have got to find some exercises that I can do that strengthens my back. I have stretching exercises but it needs to be stronger. Abs too. Ab muscles are not strong due to several surgeries and years of a very large tumor stretching them. I'm old and they are not snapping back like a young belly will and my back does not allow for certain exercises. Crap. Just take me behind the barn and shoot me.

Wondering when the Christmas mood will hit me. I may have to just force the issue and start decorating. 

OK I guess enough whining.

I really need some sunshine. Anybody want to send me to Hawaii?

twists

Life took a few unexpected twists last week. Not very welcomed ones. One person's bad choice affects so many others.  So selfish. Hard to tell if the remorse is because she was caught or if it is because of what was done. Damage is done regardless of the final outcome. 

I hate gloom and doom but it seems to be following me around lately. 

Family, here today gone tomorrow

All I ever wanted was is to have family. That is not to be. 

My mama died 10 years ago. My brother and sisters and I have not gotten together as a family since. The closest was when my nephew got married in Virginia Beach. My niece made sure I could go by paying my way there. Holidays with my family is non existence. I invited everyone to holiday meals several times, no one accepted. I get the box of pears from my brother(I hate pears) for Christmas. 

Holidays with Pat's family is even worse. They do accept invites and then are no shows, no calls, no shows. 

So I said, does not matter. I will do for my little family group here. That did fine for a while. I missed the rest of my family, though. Now even that small gathering is over. My daughter hates me ( yeah she really does. The tone of her voice says it, her lips say it, the hands around my throat cinched it.) My granddaughter is with me now, sort of. Holidays and pretty much all waking hours are with her boyfriend and his family.

Still I will go on. Cooking my holiday meals, making desserts, and decorating. It's for me. 

Still I miss family...

This is a rant to me for me about me. stupid stupid stupid. why do i allow myself to feel anything all i ever do is get hurt i am tired if hurting tired of feeling tired of doing what is expected just tired

Happy New Year

Happy New Year. Yeah I know It is not Jan 1st but it is a new year, at least for me. It is my birthday. Yay. 54, wow I made it. I keep telling myself, I am not old but my body keeps screaming at me YOU ARE OLD. Typing this morning with fingers that are not very flexible(arthritis), a back that refused to bend, a swollen knee(bursitis), and other aches and pains, constant reminders that time will not hold back age. Time marches on. Oh well.

School is out is 2 weeks here, then Brook gets a 10 week break(I think). She has a full summer, FFA camp in June. Her dad has moved so she will spend time with him, possibly going on vacation with him. Her boyfriend grandparents own a house on a lake and she will be spending time there(providing she is still with him).

Thursday and next Thursday will be playoffs for the trophy in my pool league. The team I am on is in it! Then we have a week off then we play in the City Championship for a chance to play at the Nationals in Las Vegas!

Ok I am out of here. Time to take Brook to school.

Need to keep my sanity

I will be posting here more often. So many things going on and my head is swimming. My blog will be used to let things out and maybe my stress level will reduce.


Yesterday was my least favorite holiday of the year, Mother's Day. Over the years more bad things than I want to remember happened on or near that date. Problem is, I remember ALL those things. I had to watch Brook leave to spend Mother's Day with her mother. They went to Kobe's, a place I can never afford to go to.  My appetite completely gone, I go work my garden. Tilled and planted. I got 15 mounds of squash planted, 9 sweet potato plants planted, caged my tomatoes and stabbed the ground, a lot...
Finally Brook came home. We then left  so I could take her to her dad's house. She had a nice gift for her step mom Nina. Then we went out to dinner. My son in law took me out for Mother's Day. It was nice.

I go to physical therapy today for my knee. It hurts. I am fat but that is not why it hurts. I hurt it crawling, ouch.

Waiting on phone call from eye clinic for Pat. The anesthesiologist has to approve him for surgery. His lung doctor and primary care has already said ok.

Pat has surgery on June 25th to remove the cancer off his face. It is basil cell but it has been there for awhile and possibility goes completely thru his cheek.

Raising a teenager is hard.

not a happy monkey

I am not planning on celebrating Mother's Day tomorrow. My mama has been gone 10 years now so I can't be with her. My daughter has declared me dead to her and I am no longer her mother. My granddaughter will be spending time with her mother and her step mother(not at same time). There is no place for me. I just wish this weekend was over. If I could leave for this whole week I would...

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Getting there ,I think

So I started on a walking program. I have a treadmill in my living room and I am using it.  I am walking 5 minutes at 2 miles an hour 4 minutes at 3 miles an hour and then 5 more minutes at 2 miles an hour. Easy program for some people, but for me, right now, it hurts. I have been having a lot more pain than usual in my back. I think, maybe because of the weather and the extra weight with it is ouch. Some mornings it takes me about 2 hours to be able to get shoes on because I am unable to reach the floor. Putting on pants would make a good comedy show. I am not letting the pain stop me but I am slower, much slower than I want to be. I want to do so much. I am so tired of pain. Sometimes I question my decision to to not take pain killers. If I had chosen that route I would have qualified for disability by now. I guess I am just tired tonight. I think I will go to bed.

I am not feeling nice today

It is not nice to wish a tornado would come and wipe out somebody's house is it?

Not what I wanted to hear but it will be ok

Yesterday was a very long day. Pat and I drove to Murfeesboro for his VA appointment with his lung doctor. We left very early so we could check in with the ER in hopes of seeing the eye doctor ahead of his May appointment. They did get him in and did a through exam. It hurt me so much to listen to him in pain for an eye exam! That bright ,intense light that they use to look into your eye after dilation is painful. It also hurt to hear him call out letters and numbers that were not remotely close to the actual letter or number. He got the big E right on his left eye... Diagnosis-cataracts in both eyes. Now that is not so bad, that can be fixed. His lungs may affect the outcome of the surgery. If he moves at all during the surgery, which could take up to an hour, he could lose his sight completely. This time last year, he could see pretty good. Until surgery is done it is unknown if they will be able to implant a lens in his eye. Some people cannot have one. That is not good news.  His lung doctor gave the go ahead for the surgery. He put him on antibiotics and steroids for his bronchitis. He also prescribed a maintenance dose to take for a month to help keep him well for surgery. Now we need approval from his regular PCP.

math, algebra whatever is is called now

I feel DUMB. cm/sec to mph and other conversions. I hate showing my work! I never did it in school. My way was not the teachers way but I would come up with right answer. Now teen must show work and do it very different than I learned (algebra was a long time ago)  Quadratic equation on paper is no problem, I do not know how to do it using a calculator. Damn, I am going to have to go back to school just to help teen with work! 

Just random stuff

Been thinking again.

Why do cats shred paper towels rolls?
When did I get so lazy?
Why is my tea cup empty? refilling now...
I am a cat lady border lining on crazy cat lady (or maybe I am)
I wonder how much a cattle guard costs?
Should I make a bucket list?
Cats are funny when they are watching for the mouse.
I have socks on, why are my feet still cold? 
What color should I paint my living room walls?
Is Cheyenne pregnant?
Will I get my new fence up anytime soon?
What shall I plant?


My thoughts are scatterbrained. 

hate being sick

I cannot seem to kick this stupid cold to the curb. Not losing a dang thing except sleep.

I worry about Pat. His physical health is stable right now but I am worried about his mental health. He is suffering from depression but refuses to acknowledge it. He told the doctor no. I live with him. I see it. He is down about retirement and his health and no money. He deals with it by using anger. I cannot say anything to him because he will get angry... Brook and I have both noticed some short term memory loss. I hope it is not Alzheimer. Several members of his family have it. I wonder if his carotid is stopping up? Reduced blood flow to brain... All I can do is watch out for him, which I do do in spite of his insistence otherwise.

Headed into laundry room. Never ending job.

LOVELY START

What a lovey way to start the year out.Sick and sleep deprived.  The endless coughing started yesterday  I would rather go back to the constant sneezing. Then comes the cough all night. no amount of propping up or cough medicine would help Sleep 2 hours then cough 2 hours. Gonna take Brook to school soon. then I am back to bed even if it does make me hurt

diet phooey

I am working on my physical life right now. Not happy with my health the way it is right now. The aches and pains are compounded by my extra weight. The extra weight complicates my GERD and my diabetes. My blood pressure has gone up.

Today I had a Slimfast for breakfast, fish for lunch and italian chicken is in the crookpot for dinner. I am satisfied for now.

Falling rock

Took a trip today to Fort Payne Alabama. Beautiful ride home thru Mentone. I kept seeingthese signs watch for Falling rock. I have been looking for falling rock for 50 years. Never have seen him but I have seen where he has been. 

Goodbye Little Bit

Little Bit is gone now. She was Susie's oldest baby, came from her first litter. She was 15 years old. Not bad for a barn cat. She quit eating a couple days ago so I knew the end was near. She tried following me when I went outside, cried and fell over. She is now next to my beloved Buddy.

New year, same stuff, new stuff

  Today is a new year, 2013. I want so much for this to be a good year, who doesn't? I honestly do not know what the year will bring. I know I will live unless I die, then I will quit living.

Will I start a diet? Most likely. Will I fail at it? Most likely. More than likely I will not make it past the first day. Should I get a book?   I might read it. Maybe a cookbook? Interesting. An exercise dvd for older fat people?   Whatever I do, I will be doing for me and for my family. I want to live.

I tipped the scales this morning at 203.8. My blood pressure was 144/85. Not good. I have not been taking care of myself. I have to change that. I am so busy taking care of Brook and Pat. How can I take care of them if I kick the bucket?