But he is cancer free

My husband Pat is in remission! I honestly did not expect it. I hoped it would happen and it did. Stage 4 aggressive muscle invasive bladder cancer.

The last day of chemo and radiation ended with a bang- 18 days stay in the hospital, much of which he does not remember.
He was admitted for colitis during the time while trying to get that under control it was noted that he was in so much pain with bladder spasms. Swelling occurred, then urination stopped. A foley was attempted but that was a complete failure. An indwelling suparpubic catheter was inserted. Kidney stents were changed out in another surgery 2 days later.

He lives when uncontrolled pain, hyperspasmic bladder, a tube in his bladder that goes through his pubic wall, lymphedema in his leg up to his hip, but he is cancer free. He questions why. He is angry.

I am so angry. I want my husband. I am scared. I am watching him waste away. Was the cure worth this? I don't see the fight to live in him anymore. The pain is becoming too much. The pain of seeing this is too much. I want to run away.

But, he is cancer free, was it worth the price?

Dare we hope?

Today's visit with the doctor was a good visit. We are starting Cycle 4 of the chemo and he brought up the word cure. He actually said that with the addition of radiation we are looking at a possible cure instead of just containing the cancer.

A couple of weeks ago we saw a radiation specialist. He said we are going for a cure. Pat cried, I cried.

Things were finally hopeful. Of course it is still one day at a time. THat is curing this cancer. What about recurrence? Typically the type of cancer he has recurs within 2 years in spite of all treatment unless bladder is removed.

I have to make sure that Pat feels hope. He has to fight or it is all for nothing. Funny thing is, I am the one that always spreads hope and he is the one that always sees the dark side. I see the dark side and have to project I am seeing the bright side.

Last week Pat's blood work showed he had a dangerously low platelet count. His white count was low and his blood level was right about needing a transfusion. His levels are better this week but still low. Chemo goes on tomorrow as planned unless there is a dramatic drop tomorrow.

I think I need a vacation.

Palliative care

What Is Palliative Care?

Palliative care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses. It focuses on providing patients with relief from the symptoms and stress of a serious illness. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family. (https://getpalliativecare.org/whatis/)  

That is what they are calling his chemo now. The cancer has spread into his lymph nodes. No surgery is what they are saying. No cure, surgery can kill him. Just die.

So I am looking at quality of life. What can I do to make it better for him, for the time he has left. How long will it be? I don't know. I just do not know anything anymore. I am at a loss at what to do. I want him to live. I need him to live. Am I just wanting to make his life better for him or me? I don't know.