Thursday, December 31, 2015

not good way to start

Not a good way to start the new year. The last thing he said to me before falling asleep is " I think he lied. I don't think I even have 2 months". THat tore my heart out. How can he give up on us like that?

Just when I thought it was smooth sailing

Pat had his first chemo treatment Tuesday and everything was going so well. No nausea or loss of appetite, no hair loss, in general no side effects. 

Today was a different story. Today, he woke up in pain and nauseous and worse of all a fever. Yep, fever. His temperature was 100.8°F. For most people no worries, for a patient on chemo it is a worry. We are to call office if it goes to 100.5°F. Within an hour his temperature was up to 102.4°F. The office called back and we headed in to the oncologist. They took blood and are doing cultures and urine tests. His temp had dropped to 99.8°F. The doctor called in a script that was $80 for 7 pills! OMG! VA was already closed so I had to pay. No way was I going to wait until Monday to get it filled!

Time will tell if chemo will be continued on Tuesday or not. 

Normally I don't panic. I have got to get a grip on myself. 

Thanks to the donors on GoFundMe I was able to pay for the prescriptions with no problems. 


Tuesday, December 29, 2015

First time

Today was an early day for me. Went to bed at 12:30 , woke up at 4 AM. I hate when I do that. I laid there hoping to fall back asleep but sleep had left the building.

Go to the Doctor's office this morning for biopsy results and first chemo treatment. Talked to a nice man that was in for treatment of liver cancer. Him and his wife were encouraging.

Pat was called for lab work and then he was weighed in at 155.8 and BP was 130/80. Then back to the doctor's office. I knew when they doctor walked in. I knew before then. The results were not good. The cancer had spread into the lymph nodes. It is now in his blood stream. Who knows where or when it will settle into another spot.

Talk about pain, that was pain. It killed me to see the look on my husband face. To hear him say so it is over now. No. It is not over. It is not over. He is still alive, he can still fight this. Sure chances have just plummeted down to at best 15% to make it to 2 years.

First chemo treatment today. Gemzar/Carboplatin plus anti-nausea drugs via IV. He tolerated it well today. So far no nausea. Hair loss will happen. That is the least scary side effect. His immune system is now compromised . Red blood cell production will most likely go down. At one time or another he may have to receive blood. He is B- .

I am tired. I am going to lay down with him.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

364 days

364 days until next Christmas.

Funny, it never mattered to me how far away the next Christmas was until much closer to the day. This time it is different. This time I don't know if I will have a husband to celebrate it with.

I know I have to think positive. I do. I refuse to allow anything negative in front of Pat or in his hearing.  There are times when I do not feel positive. I am a realist. I know if he does not have the surgery, he will die. I don't know when but it will happen.

Tuesday we find out what the results are. Please do not let it be cancer.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Biopsy over

Today we went to Memorial Hospital to have a biopsy done on the enlarged lymph nodes in Pat's groin area. Not a pleasant ride. We are under flood warnings. It stormed last night and was lightening and raining  when we left the house. Just to make it out of our driveway we had to go through water that was up to our bumper. Then we had to go through water on the road that was not quite as deep but was not easy as it was a large area. I live in a flood zone :/

We will get the results Tuesday. The waiting is not fun or stress free.

On the other hand Christmas dinner will be eaten without nausea...

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

gotta take care of me too

I need to take better care of me. My husband needs me to stay whole. Woke up this morning to chest pain and acid in my throat and tears on my pillow again. I have forgotten to take my own medicines this week.

Got to get ready for work today. My daughter and granddaughter will be coming by today to fix Pat some lunch.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015


The doctor came in today and cancelled the chemo. He ordered a biopsy to check for cancer in his lymph nodes that are enlarged to over 3 cm in size. This changes everything. If there is cancer there then it is only a matter of time. Surgery will be cancelled most likely and I don't know what will be done about chemo. He said treatment options change. If no cancer treatment goes as planned. If cancer then we will find out next Tuesday. Tuesday we report again for chemo treatment.

Pat said if it is cancer then it is over. Damn it. He cannot give up hope like that. He has to keep fighting.

I don't want to be a widow yet.

Morning of...

I woke up early this morning. Excited because Christmas is in 4 days? No. Today is Day 1 of chemo for my husband. Will he be able to tolerate it? Will it shrink the cancer? Will it help the swelling in his leg? Will it help me have my husband next Christmas? So many questions and no answers.

I woke up early this morning  my pillow wet from tears shed in my sleep. Tears cried that I cannot do in front of him. I have to show him strength I cannot let my fears bring him down.

 I wake up early so I can put my game face on before he wakes. I am his caretaker now. I have his back now.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Apparently I have a lot of anger

Apparently I have a lot of anger issues right now.
I am angry at my husband for allowing himself to get to this stage.
I am angry at myself for not seeing that he had something going on.
I am angry at my family for not being a warm and loving family.
I am angry at his family for being selfish asses that only  look after them selves or what they can get from you.
I am angry that after 25 years he still does not get it that I cannot hear him from the other room.
I am angry that I feel so helpless.

I knew I would be my husband's caregiver at some point but I never figured cancer. I always thought it would be his COPD. I was prepared for that not this.

Chemotherapy, surgery, maybe more chemotherapy. Does he have months? Will he have years?

Scary word-CANCER

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Been gone a long time

I have been gone a long time from here.

Life has taken a new turn for me, one I was not expecting. On November 20th My husband was diagnosed with aggressive high grade stage 4 bladder cancer. I didn't see that one coming.  He had been seeing blood in his urine off and on for several months. Never said anything to me until he was in so much pain he figured he needed a doctor. Doctor treated him for a UTI several times in a row with no relief . A CT scan was ordered but did not show anything so a cystoscopy was ordered. Due to pain and blood obscured field, a biopsy was ordered under anesthesia.

I waited alone in a waiting room full of people. 30 minutes passed, no news. After an hour I knew that something was not right. The procedure was only supposed to be 30-45 minutes tops.  Finally slightly more than 2 hours later the doctor comes out and takes me into a private room.  I knew. I knew.

He explained what all they did and the findings they found. He would not say it. I looked at him and I said " It's cancer." He said well the biopsy is not back. I said and you expect it to say cancer. He looked at me and said yes. I asked him to tell me what was going to happen now. He said everything we can, chemo and surgery.

For 2 weeks I lived with my knowledge. I hoped that when we went back he would say it was not malignant and everything would be fine. He could not tell us that.

Now the battle begins. Life must win.

A couple of weeks ago my husband was sent to ER for a check. His legs was swelling. They did a CT scan to rule out blood clot. No clot. Lymph nodes are bad swollen. He has lymphedema. Just another complication of cancer.

Yesterday we finally got to the oncologist. Tennessee Oncology. He will be seeing Dr Anz. Labs yesterday and an ultrasound today to make sure of no clot. Chemo starts Tuesday right before Christmas.

So many changes. I am watching my strong husband  shrink. He is scared and admitting it. I have to be the strong one now and I am not sure I am capable of doing it.